I have forgiven my past but I will never forget it, and I am still looking forward to healing properly. I am now able to share a part of my life that I was ashamed of, that I was running from, and that made me want to die. I am grateful that I am alive and will continue to use my strength to survive with the need to use substances to numb the pain.

I hate the word ‘lesbian’. Everyone knows that I dress mostly in men’s clothes, but it doesn’t mean that I want to me a man. I love my female body, and I’m also attracted to women. I dated a few boys when I was a teenager, but struggled with intimacy. My close friends and my mother knew this, but nobody said anything. I didn’t do anything until I was dating a guy called Luthando – probably the only guy I’ve ever had feelings for – who was handsome and clever. My mother told me to stop what I was doing because I’ll end up hurting him and he didn’t deserve it.

I have been struggling with guilt and feeling that I’m a fake in relationships, even with friends. So much of this has to do with my rape, and the feelings that I have towards my stepfather. I don’t hate him, but I still need to heal. I believe that I’ve always been gay, even though there have been people who have tried to make me suppress it or destroy my being who I am.


2 thoughts on “Healing

  1. Look after yourself and kindly read the mail sent to you as he believes there is an immense amount that can be earned – if you need to call me he has left his mobile number on the mail for you to call – 082 – 254 – 1776.

    Keep in touch,

    Kind regards,

    Mike Gillam.


  2. Hi Chuma

    Hi hope you are well,
    I believe in you. You are strong and your faith in Life and in God is beautiful. Keep your Faith, and stay strong…Sometimes you have to walk over big sharp rocks to get to the soft green grass.

    Your drawings are beautiful. I believe you are one of God’s angels sitting on that bench seeing everything around you clear as day light.



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